This is a very rough cut. I do intend to revise and add more information and evidence to support my claims.
A major weakness is my lack of evidence and proper citing. I intend to add in text citations and a Works Cited after I am done revising it. Also if anyone has ideas for a title I'm all ears because currently I can think of absolutely nothing.
One strength is my organization. I like the way I have it set up, I just need to fill it out with more support.
Hi Missy,
ReplyDeleteI think that your draft is off to a really great start! As for a title maybe try something along the lines of, Hermione and the Cursed Controversy. That was just a shot in the dark, but hopefully it inspires you to come up with something better. Otherwise great job!
Missy,
ReplyDeleteI love the topic that you chose to pick as it is near and dear to my heart. I would say that your analysis of the problem is spot on, and your conclusion does a great job of justifying how important it is to fix it. One thin I would suggest is that you make it clear to the audience what you think the solution should be. I assumed based on your writing that you believe that culturally diverse casting is the way to go, but I think it would be a good idea to make that opinion clear. Keep going with the good work.
Missy,
ReplyDeleteYour essay is coming along really nicely. Your points are clear and well-developed and I really appreciate your own personal input. As far as form, I would suggest perhaps breaking apart your paragraphs into shorter sections. That way the reading is easier on readers' eyes, and there is more room to expand on each point further. Otherwise, you do a fantastic job of arguing for your topic! Good luck going into post production!
-Avalon
Missy,
ReplyDeleteI really liked your essay, there are a ton of great things going on in it which I felt helped tie it together and give it a sense of continuity and flow. I'd love to help you improve it by offering up a few suggestions regarding content, check it out here: http://ipass4zona.blogspot.com/2016/04/peer-review-for-missy.html