Content Outline: First Body Paragraph
The problem with diversity in entertainment isn’t a new one,
but it is an important one. Although the #OscarsSoWhite reaction generated a
lot of attention and discussion, many people are unaware of the extent of the
problem. A USC study that was published in February of 2016 analyzed “414
stories or 1091 motion pictures and 305 broadcast, cable, and digital series.”
It analyzed these samples for demographics of both on-screen speaking parts, as
well as behind the camera jobs. This study analyzed these in four areas:
gender, race/ethnicity, LGBT, and company inclusion. According to this study,
people with speaking parts were “71.7% were white . . . 28.3% of all speaking characters were from underrepresented
racial/ethnic groups.” Furthermore, this study analyzed the behind the camera demographics as well. In film
alone, 87.3% of directors are white. This is attributing to the problem because
if the director is from an underrepresented group, then he/she is more likely
to cast underrepresented actors.
Questions:
With a delicate topic like race, I have to be very careful with my words and how I am communicating with my audience. I want to add sources and quotes so that it shows my sources are credible, and that I am credible as an author.
This production was a little harder, mostly because it required a lot of research before I could write anything. I still want to look into how long this has been a problem and add to my research, Also I want to put at the end something about why people should care about this problem, but I think that might be better suited for the third body paragraph or even the conclusion.
Hi Missy,
ReplyDeleteFirst, I want to say I absolutely love this topic! I think it is something that definitely needs to be talked about, and you're going to do an excellent job with it!
I read this paragraph and have a few suggestions/comments:
1. I am curious to know why you chose this topic. Are you a Harry Potter fan? Or are you interested in film? I think it would be beneficial to explain your relationship to this topic either in the first body paragraph or the introduction. It will build your credibility and your audience will be more trusting of you when we see the connection you have to the topic. As a reader, when I know why an author feels strongly enough to argue for something, I am generally more receptive to their work and tend to become more invested.
2. There are a lot of great facts shared in this paragraph. I think your essay would benefit from breaking the facts down and then adding commentary, then adding more facts and more commentary.
I suggest something like this:
Fact 1: Diversity in entertainment is a problem, people feel so strongly about this, studies have been done
Fact 2: USC study shows over 70% of speaking characters are white, and 28% are non-white
Commentary: What makes these results so significant? I mean, it's not like only 30% of actors are non-white. Adding some form of commentary on how YOU feel or your thoughts on this will strengthen your voice and build up to your argument. The tricky part here is to avoid sounding wildly biased, but this can be fixed in post-production.
Fact 3: 87% of directors are white.
Commentary: You started this already by stating that this causes an uneven casting balance because white directors are more likely to cast white actors. I would expand on this point and state that it is a cyclic effect, which makes the topic a huge deal.
Overall, I think this paragraph would be stronger with more commentary. The facts are straight to the point and definitely powerful, I think you incorporated those other sources wonderfully. (Just don't forget the in-text citations)
3. The only other thing I would add is a concluding sentence or something that bridges this paragraph to the next :)
You picked a great topic and I like what you have so far! I hope my suggestions are somewhat helpful!